A Moment of Silence

Dearest dearest Mage Mage,


I can't believe that it's 1 year since you left us. Time just flew by didn't it... On the other hand, it seemed just so recent when we said our goodbyes. I still find myself wondering at times if you have really left us.


Anyway daddy sent an email to all of us on his heartfelt feelings. I'm surprised that he wrote pretty well and I felt the very same sentiments.


The message read:


"And it's been a year since you moved to a new address to keep an appointment with our Lord & there is such a hole in our hearts and lives, we feel the lost each moment. Words cannot describe how much we miss you, how dear you are to us.

Your sweetest, selfless love and laughter will always remain a constant memory in our hearts.  We press on for we found comfort in God's words.


From II Tim 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear but a power of love and a sound mind."
 
This help to blunt the edges of pain in our hearts."


Mage, through the goodness and mercy of God, we survived 1 year especially for daddy & mummy. I just pray that we can continue to grow closer as a family and continue to grow closer to God through God's help.


And there is noone but God who knows and understands how dear you are to us. Loving and missing you till we meet on the beautiful land!

Happy Birthday...

Happy Birthday, my dearest Image. I hope that you are having a really good and happy time on this special day.

It just seems not long ago when we were having your birthday celebration at Grand Copthorne last year. Do you remember the details? Well I remembered checking in the hotel in the afternoon with er er and we spent the afternoon resting while waiting for you & mummy. If I didn't remember wrongly, we had dinner at Sudanese Great World? Somehow, I can't remember singing u the birthday song and you cutting the cake. Do you remember my present to you? I know er er bought you a Baby-G but I can't remember what I gave you already. That's depressing. My memory is usually quite good but I just can't seem to remember these details.

I miss you....... so so much. And I keep thinking back to those few years when we were sleeping together.; the talks we had, the whispers, the laughters, the scoldings. All these seemed so recent but yet it's already 2 years ago. You know, besides Gor Kat, you're the next person I can confide in without worrying about you judging me. I wish there were more of those times... I wish I had been more sensible.

Ok I shan't talk about things that makes us sad anymore. It's your birthday today so we must be happy for you right? I'll be doing something for you and hope I can complete it in about 1 weeks' time. Oh ya, I also need to finish up with tidying the house. Hee... you know your image is lazy gal especially with doing household chores.

Want to wish you Happy Birthday again and I love you very much. Never forget that!

Melancholy Lurks...

Well all is going pretty well with Dearie after last week's episode. It's definitely a load off the heart once the air was cleared. Through this, I've also realized a few things and one is the understanding between friends especially if they are true friends. It makes me treasure our times even more and wanna work things out to be closer friends.

I was browsing through my photo collection for pictures to be used on my scrapbook tray. The tray will be a gift for my parent's wedding anniversary. As I browsed through, I was also electronically sorting them out and chanced upon some pictures which had been lying in there, forgotten. Seeing them made me miss my family and more so, my little image. Tears naturally fell even without me realizing it. I don't think there will ever be a day where I'll no longer cry when I look at those pictures. I miss her so much.

Jaden had his first month celebration over the weekend and it's been a while since I saw genuine smiles on daddy & mummy's faces. Maybe Jaden's indeed God's gift to them. Sometimes I do feel a tug to have my own child especially since coming here. I've gotten so attached to Isaac. Seeing him grow each week for the past 10 months have been really special. I see the wonders of God's creation but at the same time, I see lots & lots of obligations and responsibilities. Sometimes I do feel bad for disappointing my parents on a grandchild although I know they would understand and support our decision. Anyway I'll just leave it to God's plan for me.

Moments of Solitude

Each time when I have a quiet minute to myself, I end up realizing how time has quickly ticked by. And although there are 30 seconds in a minute, the seconds just fly by like the speed of light.

It's just exactly 3 months to December and what have I achieved and failed this year? I think there are more failures than achievements but one should still not overlook that achievement be it small or great.

Dearie will be due for this assignment in Arizona soon. It will be 3 weeks of solitude. I guess I shouldn't have to really adjust much since I'm used to enjoying the quiet times especially during the day. The feeling will set in during meal times, bed times and weekends. Haven't been away from him for quite some time so hopefully I haven't lost my independence.

Actually, with every quiet moment I have to myself, I also can't help but think of you. I wonder if I am still going through a grieving stage. No matter how busy my day gets, how much laughter I had, when that quiet moment comes, I always find myself thinking of you. I miss everything about you; from the way you talk and greet me, the cheekiness in you, the every thoughtful and loving action you perform, the small and simple things that make you happy, the contentment in the things you have... There are just so many things about you that I miss. I don't think I've ever felt this empty during these quiet moments.

I hope there'll be the day where I won't be empty anymore in these quiet moments and I'll be sure to let you know.

Little Gift

Our little gift, Jaden has finally decided to come into this world. He came on a date that will be difficult to forget; which is the day after Daddy & Mummy's wedding anniversary. What a coincidence.

Saw quite a few pictures of Jaden loaded on Facebook. I guess these are the moments that you feel alone and away from the family. Jaden looks so cute and chubby. I believe he's gonna be a bundle of joy. I pray that he will be a healthy and happy baby showered with lots of love.

I believe you will be happy being a gugu. I think you would have loved him a lot and probably spoil him by playing with him all the time and carrying him. I wished you could have been here too. Although we have this bundle of joy into the family, he will never be you and will never be able to replace you in our hearts.

Sometimes when I look at a baby, there are little pangs of wants too but those pangs just can't override the other feelings I have of wanting a baby. I think there are just too many stuffs at stake besides money. In any case, I always believe in things happening for a reason and things are already planned by God. I shall take it in stride whatever comes.

Jaden will be 2 years old before he will get to know this da gu. It does feel sad to be missing out on his baby days although I'm sure there will be pictures. It got me to think about Melissa's parents and how they are also feeling about missing out on the growing up of their grandson. Although it seemed to be a hassle to skype almost everyday, those 30 minutes are the only consolation her parents have as grandparents spending time with their grandson. These 30 minutes are the only reason her parents wouldn't become strangers to Isaac when they meet in person in 2 years' time. Guess I have to rethink those 30 minutes and remember not to be complacent and take things for granted.

Blessings...

Not a day went by without having you in my thoughts. I do miss you so much at times and I'll take kuku and hug. Somehow that feels comforting.

I'm pretty enjoying myself here so you do not need to worry ok? I promised that I will be happy and will definitely live up to that promise. Been busy with watching my korean dramas and doing my knitting. Must finish my projects in time so that I can give them to Jaden when he's born. Been having gatherings with friends too. The days are quiet but I feel at peace.

Khor Gat will be on leave soon and we will be going for some trips. Still in the midst of finalizing the places but it's tough. You know how good I am with planning. Er er doesn't wanna help so I shan't ask further. Talking about her makes me feel disappointed but I shall not go into depths as I wish to only share the happier stuffs with you.

Oh yes, you know I feel really happy for Meemee... I'm really happy at how things are going on for her and Daddy. Daddy is really a changed person and I can tell from Meemee's conversations that she feels more blessed. Though it has taken so much of her patience and time, I'm glad that all that effort is worth it. I believe you will be really touched too. One thing about you being my image is that somehow we feel touched at the same things and feel emotion about the same things. Don't you agree?

Image, I have been naughty gal. I've stopped praying. I definitely didn't forget God but I've just stopped praying. Meemee was telling me to turn myself to God and I felt a tug in my heart. I shall try my best ok... Pray for me.

I love you...

Life Goes On...

It's past 1 week since I got back to the States. It is Summer now. The flowers have bloomed and the mountains are mainly green now. The weather is pretty hot similar to Singapore except for the humidity.

Despite that it's been more than 1 month since you've left, I'm still facing difficulty in accepting this reality. I know how you'd love to enjoy life so as promised, I'll move on and enjoy life as I best know how. You'll always be in my heart and mind.

There was a rodeo held today. I've only read about it in books and watched scenes from movies. It's pretty interesting although sometimes my heart does panic for those cowboys. I love the way they ride so well. It's like being in one with their horses and flying with the wind. I didn't stay long enough to finish the whole rodeo event so not really sure what more activities they had but it was surely an eye opener.

I'm really enjoying my time here and I do feel quite happy. It's gonna be a long weekend next week and I'll be traveling to Las Vegas. It'll be my first road trip so kinda excited.

By the way, help me with handling mummy ok? I feel lost for words sometimes. I know we are all still coping with you being so faraway and I should give it more time but I feel that sometimes it seems that I am treading on thin ice with mummy's emotions. I do wish to talk to her everyday but I'm also helpless with what to talk about. Give me some pointers ok?

I miss you and love you very much.

The Story of Two Very Different Sisters

I received a lovely gift. They will definitely always remind me of you. What I love most was the card. The title of the card is "The story of two very different sisters".

The card goes...

"One is here; one lives there. One is a little taller than the other. They have two different colors of hair; two different outlooks on life, two very different views from their windows.

Both have different tomorrows ahead. Each is unique in so many ways.

Each has her own story, with all the busy things going on in the present. Each has different work to do, and different demands on the day. Each has a separate destination and a distinctly different path to get there. 

But...

For all the things that might be different and unique about them... these two sisters will always share so much. They will always be the best of family and friends, entwined together, through all the days of their lives.

Their love will always be very special; gentle and joyful when it can be, strong and giving when it needs to be, reminding them, no matter how different their stories turn out...

They share the incredibly precious gift of being "sisters." And when you think of some of the best things this world has to offer, a blessing like that is really... what it's all about."

I'm truly blessed to have you in my life and I'm very happy and proud to have you as my sister. There are of course many things that I wished were different but as the card said, we have our different destinations and destiny. I truly thank God for all the blessings he has showered unto me and I want to remember not to take his blessings for granted.

I love you from the depth of my heart and I hope to be able to meet you in the beautiful shore...

Wishing, Hoping & Praying...

Words just can't describe the missing and longing for you... It just seems like yesterday that we were all still together. The family is no longer complete, occasions are no longer the same and even though I've been home, the home seems so quiet and empty. Mummy misses you so so much and I can't imagine how she will be once I've gone back.

There will be moments of reminisce every day. We think back about what we used to do together, we think back about the years of struggles you had, we think back of the places we enjoyed eating together, we think back of the places we went together, we think back of your actions, gestures, remarks, comments. There are days when I walk around the house and thought you'll be home from school soon. I long to hear the way you greet me, I miss our conversations. I Miss You, Carrie. Really miss you.

On Saturday, we met Daddy and Mummy for supper after their church session at Lighthouse. Daddy commented that he is truly seeing God's every blessings now. He had the week he spent with you before your last op was one of the best times ever. Because of my flight, you delayed your op by a week and he truly enjoyed spending that whole week with you. Everything that he mentioned made me wish I had also spent that whole week with you. I wished I had been there for you as you went for your op. I wish I had been around when you were recuperating. I wished I had come back while you were better and I could spend more time with you doing things together. Although I am glad for that 3 weeks, I wished for better days.

I look back at your pictures today and I realized that I missed out on so many things that was going on in your life. I'm sorry I wasn't a better sister. Whatever it is, I will remember my promise to you. I thank God for you. You will always be a part of me and Adrian. You will always be remembered in everything that I do. I will also always be happy as I know that is what you want me to be.

I love you, my silly image. Love you lots and forever...

Sense of Loss

It's been 6 days since you moved to stay in a more beautiful place. Not a day passed without all of us thinking about you.

Today is a pretty special day because for the first time in our lives, I went to church with Daddy & Mummy and you know who else? Ur Ah Gor and Angie. Isn't that special? I know you will find it just as special and sweet. We sang quite a few meaningful and touching hymns today. The hymns spoke to my heart especially this song that is titled "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus".

Ah Gor and I prepared ourselves with some sweets in case we were feeling sleepy during the sermon but we didn't need it. Pastor Jeremy delivered a very touching sermon today. He touched on Acts Chapter 27. The gist of the sermon is that God never promised us a smooth journey even though we may be Christians. God never promised us that life will be a bed of roses. In fact, he said that there will be many trials and tribulations but with faith, God will see us through.

How very true this is. You know, God spoke to me today and touched my heart. In fact, I wanna thank you coz it's through you that I started praying and remembering God again. It is through your strong faith in God that I got inspired.

You know, I see a change in your Ah Gor. He is really excited about this baby and he is even persuading Er Jie and I to also have 1. He said we will not regret and will be just as excited as he is. I think you will also be laughing when you hear him say that. Angie has been coming to our house or meeting us for dinner these few days and it feels weird to see Ah Gor being so attentive and so lovey dovey with Angie. The things he says send shivers down my spine. Hee... I know you are gonna say I'm very bad but it's the truth. Well I must add that it is a consolation he isn't like Daddy so unromantic.

Things are also going pretty well for Daddy & Mummy. I hope they will continue to be better and grow stronger together as the days go by. Hopefully they will have a really special time for their 35th year anniversary this year. I will be gathering all of us to discuss what special plans we can do for both of them. Don't forget to give me some ideas too!!!

Oh image, I forgot to tell you that I spotted some new Kukumalu items. I bought myself 2 pencils (different colors) and a retractable eraser with refills. Will be thinking of you each time I use them.

I love you and miss you so much, Image. Don't worry ok, I will keep my letters going with news and stories. Take care and be happy always too. I will and whatever difficulties I encounter, I will remember your Smile song. That's for teaching me this song.

Loving You Always,

Feifei

Cherish The Times...

Since going to the US, my mum told me that my little image misses me alot. Her health hasn't been well of late so I decided to take make a home trip to spend some time with her and to help my mum take care of her.


It has been an emotional week as although it is only been 4 months since I last saw her. Her health had deteriorated quite a bit and it is just really saddening to see her in this state.


We had a few visitors over the past days and one of them gave a suggestion that we write down all the memories we have of her; compile into a book and we can seek solace in times of need.


I decided to start this with the rest of my siblings and hope they will be have the same mind as me.


For myself, I've always taken the family for granted especially after stepping into the working society. It was a time of ME, MYSELF and I. I missed out on so many things until 6 years ago. It was then that I realized my family and family ties are the most important thing in the world. No matter what you do, you can always return home just like the prodigal son and parents will just welcome that prodigal son home with open arms and without any qualms. I was once that prodigal son.


Although it's been 7 years, I realized that these 6 years still aren't enough time for me to make whatever amends I need to make. These 6 years aren't enough to make up for the lost time with my family. Some may say that there are still many more years to make amends but time and tide indeed waits for no man. Life is so unpredictable so my current thoughts are to treasure and cherish each moment with the people you care about; not just with words but with action. Not just with money but with sincerity and genuine love.