End of 2010

It's just about an hour away to welcoming the new year 2011.

So much had happened in just a year; my temporary relocation to the US, adjusting life as a housewife, finding myself in a new environment, making new friends, loss of my beloved sister, Joseph's marriage, Adeline getting the ballot to her new house, the birth of my cute little Jaden, health issues with both my Mama & Popo and Gonggong.

I think the thing that hit me the most is the death of my sister. I don't think I can be as strong as before when handling death. If I can avoid the issue of death, I'd want to avoid it. I can no longer look at death, know about death indifferently. Adeline was just telling me 1 of her friends posted on Facebook that her boyfriend passed away the morning of January 1st in a car accident. They had welcomed the New Year together and just hours later, she now mourns over the demise of her boyfriend. How unpredictable life is...

With 2011, my resolution would really be treasuring my time here in the US with Dearie, making sure I'm living life as fully as I can, keeping more frequent contacts with my family and basically be happy. I think being happy is very important as it's not only for yourself but for the people around you. They can just feel the positive vibes if you're happy so that's what I want to give to others. It's actually also more difficult to maintain a happy disposition. Just as Image always says... Smile coz 1 smile it starts makes 2...

Happy New Year!!

It's Christmas Day!!

It's officially Christmas Day now and although we didn't have a white Christmas eve, it was surely a really chilly one. The winds were howling and blowing at goodness knows how many miles per hour. Your hands literally feels frozen just by standing outside for less than 5 minutes.

We had our Christmas dinner at Mel's as usual and her house was just decorated with so many Christmas decorations outside and a nice, plump tree inside full with presents. What was missing was just the lack of Christmas tunes but the company made up for it. Although it's usually the more the merrier for such parties, I was happy to be celebrating this occasion with just 7 of us. There's no need for pretense, false laughters, acted expressions and senseless talks. We could all just be ourselves, enjoy a causal but delicious dinner and just talk whatever that comes to our minds.

Of course I do miss the Christmas celebrations with my family. The celebrations I have with my family are also somewhat different so I must say that this is the best Christmas party I've attended with friends in years.

However, this Christmas also marks the first Christmas without little image. Though I'm not physically there with my family, I know that celebrations will never be the same ever. It'll always be knowing that we're missing her especially when it comes to presents time. I will always be able to picture her excitement as she carefully unwraps each present and how her face lights up when she sees what she's received. She is never one who requests for things so that makes it an even bigger surprise for her. Honestly, I've never seen her frown at any presents unless it was a joke on her. She just appreciates every gift given.

Well I don't want to ruin this Christmas with tears and sadness but rather feel her in my heart and enjoy the day with her in mind.

Merry Christmas...

Happy 2nd Anniversary

Well it's my wedding anniversary today and sad to say, I spent the day alone at home. What luck that Dearie had to go for interstate stint during this period. Though I'm not the super lovey dovey and clinging kinda person, I believe it requires effort for a couple to maintain the romance in their relationship so special occasions like these would matter to me. Yeah you can say that you can always have romance everyday if you want but I prefer looking at things realistically. For starters, Dearie is already tired from work so I definitely don't expect that out of him.

Dearie has never been the romantic sort. I think since courtship till now, I've only received 1 small bouquet of flowers. He's not the sort that spend on romance but rather on practical things that I will use on a day-to-day basis or something which he knows will be useful to me. He's also not big on buying branded stuffs as well although at times he does give in to my fancies. I like that he keeps me on my toes in a way and I begin to be more conscious of my spending and more importantly, be more conscious of my needs and wants. Dearie is definitely more supportive of me spending money on my hobbies or techie stuffs than on clothes or branded items.

Hmm, though it's just 2 years that we've been married, yet so much has happened. I like to think that I've grown to be a better person, become even more independent now and be a pillar of support to Dearie. Since becoming a 'housewife', I find myself putting an effort in making sure Dearie has proper meals, and occasional sweets to enjoy. I find myself giving him more attention than before as I would also be bogged down by my own work and stress.

I need to thank God for blessing me with such an easy going husband. It doesn't take much to let him be satisfied even with food. I definitely do understand better what mummy had to go through everyday; racking her brains to plan dinner so that she can satisfy our taste buds. That is daddy's KPI for her. I'm sure glad I don't have any KPIs. Whatever KPIs I had, I was the one who set it.

Having said so much, I definitely look forward to spending many more years with Dearie and I'm really thankful to God for allowing our paths to cross.

Emotional...

I was feeling emotional again and was browsing though Facebook while waiting for a software to be downloaded. Chanced upon this wall post from a friend.

It said, "If tears could build a stairway, and memories build a lane... I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again."

I just couldn't help but wonder if only it was true... If only I could reach her through the tears shed and the memories and bring her home again. But I know God has his purposes and his plans for each of us and I always believe in things happening for a reason. I'll continue to trust God and have faith that I will see her again in the beautiful shores. I know mummy will definitely be meeting her. I hope that I will be ready when the time comes too.

Sad to say such feelings can only be understood by another who's also lost a loved one because the ache, the pain and the emptiness is just indescribable.

Happy Birthday...

Happy Birthday, my dearest Image. I hope that you are having a really good and happy time on this special day.

It just seems not long ago when we were having your birthday celebration at Grand Copthorne last year. Do you remember the details? Well I remembered checking in the hotel in the afternoon with er er and we spent the afternoon resting while waiting for you & mummy. If I didn't remember wrongly, we had dinner at Sudanese Great World? Somehow, I can't remember singing u the birthday song and you cutting the cake. Do you remember my present to you? I know er er bought you a Baby-G but I can't remember what I gave you already. That's depressing. My memory is usually quite good but I just can't seem to remember these details.

I miss you....... so so much. And I keep thinking back to those few years when we were sleeping together.; the talks we had, the whispers, the laughters, the scoldings. All these seemed so recent but yet it's already 2 years ago. You know, besides Gor Kat, you're the next person I can confide in without worrying about you judging me. I wish there were more of those times... I wish I had been more sensible.

Ok I shan't talk about things that makes us sad anymore. It's your birthday today so we must be happy for you right? I'll be doing something for you and hope I can complete it in about 1 weeks' time. Oh ya, I also need to finish up with tidying the house. Hee... you know your image is lazy gal especially with doing household chores.

Want to wish you Happy Birthday again and I love you very much. Never forget that!

Gloomy, Gray Start Of December

It has been snowing for the past few days since Dearie left. Had some time at home yesterday as we decided against going over to Mel's place for meals due to the snowy weather.

Started spring cleaning the house. My gosh, the cleaning is no joke. I think I will need to start being more religious with cleaning at least every week. I wasn't done with the cleaning yet but realized it was getting late and decided to take a break from cleaning and head out to shovel the snow.

Well the thing about snowing is, yes it's beautiful and romantic but it's hard work once the snow stops as you need to shovel. And the bigger your house area is, the more you need to shovel. If you don't start shoveling, it'll pile up with more snow coming in and that also means you'll need to spend more time shoveling after that. Well I took 2 hours and 15 minutes to shovel 1 full day of snow in my pavement and driveway before I decided I've shoveled enough. I really wondered how many tonnes of snow I had shoveled. At the end of it, I was so tired and my arms and thighs were aching. Well on the positive side, I took it as a good form of exercise to tone up those flabby arms and thighs. Will definitely be doing that pretty often at least for this month.

My my, it's December already. I almost lost count. December has become a month of melancholy for me despite the Christmas celebration. I miss my image so much. Life just feels different without her. Ok, I shall not brood anymore. Gonna focus on creating happy times and enjoying myself as much as I can while I'm here.

Snow, snow and more snow...

It was a snowy long weekend with the end of Thanksgiving and Black Friday.

Well Black Friday is an annual event where you have stores opening up at 4am and discounts going on for almost everything from apparels, shoes, arty stuffs to electronics. Most people will wait till this event to get electronics like TV, laptops, etc. It was something that I was looking forward to but I ended up just rotting at home and did not shop for a single thing even online. One of the deterrent was the weather of course. In fact it was the main deterrent. Snow was expected and the winds were strong. Not very conducive to be driving around in such conditions and I definitely experienced it for myself today.

We had planned to head to town and have a nice dinner before Dearie goes away for 3 weeks. However, I noticed that the winds were strong and the sky was gray and decided against it. Dearie wanted to eat out so we decided to head to Smokey Mountain Pizzeria for dinner. Just when we were leaving, it started to snow but it wasn't that bad as the visibility was still good.

After dinner, I was passed the car keys and asked to try driving in the snow. In the midst of our dinner which was around 45 minutes tops, the snowfall got heavier and the tracks were completely covered with snow when we got out of the eatery. I started out fine but as I kicked in the accelerator, the car skidded and boy, was I panicking. It was my first time experiencing the car skidding and even though I had kicked in the accelerator, it was only at less than 30 miles per hour which is deemed slow. I could hardly see the lane markings and visibility was quite bad with the snow flying. It felt like I was traveling in a time machine. I was just mentioning to Dearie that I would definitely change a few things if I went back in time. However, one thing I won't change would be my marriage to him. I don't think there's a better man for me. Well, I was glad to have Dearie beside me as an extra pair of eyes and for guidance. I let out a sigh of relief when we arrived back home. It was definitely an experience driving through that snowfall.

Well my driveway and porch was covered with snow. Dearie & I had some fun playing and shoveling the snow. Snow can be such a pretty and yet dangerous thing. We had about 2+ inches of snow covered around our house. Think it is one of the rare times when there was this much snow in the area. This part of Idaho doesn't really snow much from what I hear from the locals. It must have snowed for us!

Anyway the fun ended when Dearie slipped and fell. I was so worried if he injured himself especially his knee but he was more worried if he tore his North Face jacket instead. Gosh! Almost gave me a heart attack there. Anyway, that's another dangerous thing when snow comes. Snow melts and as the temperature is still low, the melted snow turns to ice and ice is really slippery when walked or driven on. In fact Dearie mentioned that he had a few of his colleagues slipped and injured themselves. Hopefully Dearie will remain safe and throughout his stint in Arizona.

Start of Winter...

I guess Fall has ended with the start of snow on Saturday. I think out of the 4 seasons, I love the Fall slightly more than Winter because of all the beautiful colors from trees and plants. Although I would love to see more of Fall's colors in Aspen, Colorado or in other states, it was quite beautiful enough even in Boise and Mountain Home.

With more snow kicking in the next few days, I understand better why it's pretty dangerous to be traveling or driving. So far, the only experience I had with fog was driving in Perth. We had to pass by a number of lakes or rivers and it was so fogged up that it got me really worried. I have another experience with the fog today even though there aren't rivers or lakes nearby. And with more snow coming in from Canada and the high possibility of encountering black ice, I guess I'll be restricted to just staying in Mountain Home for the next few weeks. That's Winter for me I guess. Despite the lovely snow and the beautiful snowy landscapes, day is short with sun setting by 5.30pm and it's not so conducive to be driving to the city as often as during other seasons.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to experience a white Christmas but I'll definitely be experiencing a white Thanksgiving. This will also be the last week with Dearie before he travels to Arizona. I'll be home alone for 3 weeks. Here's to clearing the rubbish, shoveling the snow, being totally independent.

What IF...

I was watching the movie "Letters To Juliet" and there was this one scene that caught my heart.

It was the scene of Claire and Lorenzo's wedding after 50 years since they last met and Claire was reading out the reply letter answering to her own letter that was written 50 years ago. Sophie played by Amanda Seyfried wrote that reply and I felt it exceptionally close to my heart.

It read:

"What and If are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put together, side by side, and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

What if? WHAT if? WHAT IF??

I don't know how your story ended, but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart.

I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like, a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for, but I'd like to believe, if I ever were to feel it, that I'd have the courage to seize it."

I'm someone who follows my heart when it comes to love. The "what ifs" will just be going through my head continuously. And yes it does takes a lot of courage. You need it when you're following your heart, you need it when you're getting on with your life.

This particular scene brought my memories back to a past relationship and it was these two words "What If" that led me to make the decision I had made. To me, it was my love at first sight, it was my true love, it was a dream come true. And although that relationship didn't last till now, I have to admit that I did not regret any part of that decision. Surely it was a painful experience but if time was turned back, I believe I would still have made that same decision. It was also because of this painful experience that molded me to be the very person I am right now.

I also believe in second chances at finding true love because if I didn't, I wouldn't have been married to a wonderful hubby now. I guess destiny just have a way of dealing with things at its own pace. Things may not be a bed of roses with Dearie but I've been blessed in so many ways. He's my pillar of comfort and support and my soul mate. We may not have much common grounds or the magnetic pull towards each other but somehow we complement each other. I'm just thankful that I didn't have to wait 50 years to find that out.

Cooking

I've been cooking for about 10 months now and every week, I'm looking at either perfecting my dish or finding new dishes to try. Dearie's work shifts are stabilized now and is rotating between morning and afternoon shifts.

I have more time preparing dinner so will usually try new dishes when he's on the morning shift. I'm actually pretty excited about cooking this week as I'll be trying out a number of new dishes. My trip to the Orient Market yielded fruitful results and I was really happy with my grocery shopping yesterday.

One of my grocery purchases included lotus root and I decided to boil lotus root soup today before it goes spoilt. This soup reminds me of my mum's cooking. It's one of my favorite soup as she will always add in chicken feet when she makes this soup. Lotus root is not something where it's easily found in the States coz it gets rotten pretty quickly. My preparation of the soup began and it included washing the lotus root. I must say that the lotus root here is already pretty clean as there is no mud as compared to those my mum buys from the market. But it was still a yucky thing for me to do. Having cooked for 10 months, I've encountered things that I had to wash and cut that I found yucky but because of the desire to whip up new dishes every chance I get and also the desire to cook nice dishes for us to enjoy, I had no choice but to just do it. One thing I avoided and will not handle is the chicken feet. Boiling this soup makes me appreciate my mum a lot coz I can really feel the love for us. Imagine going through all the effort of washing, cleaning, etc and handling of chicken feet is worse than handling lotus root.

Having cooked for about 10 months also made me appreciate people who cooks for a living besides my mum and mum-in-law. It is always so easy to request for your favorite dishes without giving even a thought to what goes behind that favorite dish. I'm glad Dearie doesn't have any favorite dishes so basically I can just choose to cook what I like to eat and enjoy cooking.

Kudos to my mum for all those delicious dishes. I truly feel your love in each of them.

Melancholy Lurks...

Well all is going pretty well with Dearie after last week's episode. It's definitely a load off the heart once the air was cleared. Through this, I've also realized a few things and one is the understanding between friends especially if they are true friends. It makes me treasure our times even more and wanna work things out to be closer friends.

I was browsing through my photo collection for pictures to be used on my scrapbook tray. The tray will be a gift for my parent's wedding anniversary. As I browsed through, I was also electronically sorting them out and chanced upon some pictures which had been lying in there, forgotten. Seeing them made me miss my family and more so, my little image. Tears naturally fell even without me realizing it. I don't think there will ever be a day where I'll no longer cry when I look at those pictures. I miss her so much.

Jaden had his first month celebration over the weekend and it's been a while since I saw genuine smiles on daddy & mummy's faces. Maybe Jaden's indeed God's gift to them. Sometimes I do feel a tug to have my own child especially since coming here. I've gotten so attached to Isaac. Seeing him grow each week for the past 10 months have been really special. I see the wonders of God's creation but at the same time, I see lots & lots of obligations and responsibilities. Sometimes I do feel bad for disappointing my parents on a grandchild although I know they would understand and support our decision. Anyway I'll just leave it to God's plan for me.

Freedom Of Speech

As much as the phrase "freedom of speech" goes, I realized that there isn't much freedom in what one can actually speak. Even though what you have said or are trying to say is an act of defense towards an action done or to be done.

I dislike or I should say hate being maligned especially since I had clear intentions. What upset me more was the person who maligned me. Without given any chance of explanation, without even knowing the details, wham... I was just whacked on the head. Well in many countries especially in the US, one is deemed innocent until proven guilty. But in my case, the verdict was decided and the defendant is guilty! As indignant as I felt, I saw no point in explaining myself further.

I guess regardless of whatever century you may be living in, one should always be EXTRA careful with what you're speaking about, whom you're speaking to and when to speak.

Moments of Solitude

Each time when I have a quiet minute to myself, I end up realizing how time has quickly ticked by. And although there are 30 seconds in a minute, the seconds just fly by like the speed of light.

It's just exactly 3 months to December and what have I achieved and failed this year? I think there are more failures than achievements but one should still not overlook that achievement be it small or great.

Dearie will be due for this assignment in Arizona soon. It will be 3 weeks of solitude. I guess I shouldn't have to really adjust much since I'm used to enjoying the quiet times especially during the day. The feeling will set in during meal times, bed times and weekends. Haven't been away from him for quite some time so hopefully I haven't lost my independence.

Actually, with every quiet moment I have to myself, I also can't help but think of you. I wonder if I am still going through a grieving stage. No matter how busy my day gets, how much laughter I had, when that quiet moment comes, I always find myself thinking of you. I miss everything about you; from the way you talk and greet me, the cheekiness in you, the every thoughtful and loving action you perform, the small and simple things that make you happy, the contentment in the things you have... There are just so many things about you that I miss. I don't think I've ever felt this empty during these quiet moments.

I hope there'll be the day where I won't be empty anymore in these quiet moments and I'll be sure to let you know.

Little Gift

Our little gift, Jaden has finally decided to come into this world. He came on a date that will be difficult to forget; which is the day after Daddy & Mummy's wedding anniversary. What a coincidence.

Saw quite a few pictures of Jaden loaded on Facebook. I guess these are the moments that you feel alone and away from the family. Jaden looks so cute and chubby. I believe he's gonna be a bundle of joy. I pray that he will be a healthy and happy baby showered with lots of love.

I believe you will be happy being a gugu. I think you would have loved him a lot and probably spoil him by playing with him all the time and carrying him. I wished you could have been here too. Although we have this bundle of joy into the family, he will never be you and will never be able to replace you in our hearts.

Sometimes when I look at a baby, there are little pangs of wants too but those pangs just can't override the other feelings I have of wanting a baby. I think there are just too many stuffs at stake besides money. In any case, I always believe in things happening for a reason and things are already planned by God. I shall take it in stride whatever comes.

Jaden will be 2 years old before he will get to know this da gu. It does feel sad to be missing out on his baby days although I'm sure there will be pictures. It got me to think about Melissa's parents and how they are also feeling about missing out on the growing up of their grandson. Although it seemed to be a hassle to skype almost everyday, those 30 minutes are the only consolation her parents have as grandparents spending time with their grandson. These 30 minutes are the only reason her parents wouldn't become strangers to Isaac when they meet in person in 2 years' time. Guess I have to rethink those 30 minutes and remember not to be complacent and take things for granted.

Time For Meditation

It's time to start meditating especially after the 2 trips that I went on. Was happy to be able to travel with Dearie especially since we've never traveled on our own before. I must say, I did see a different side of him coz he's usually really stringent with money and shopping is definitely one of the NO NOs for him unless necessary. I guess going on trips make it different and I must say, he did not restrict me in anything that I wanted to buy. I'm glad to be able to know that and it makes me weigh the needs versus the wants before I actually get my hands on it.

Fall will be starting next week. The weather is starting to get colder. As I begin my meditation, I gett to concentrate on my favorite hobbies like reading, knitting, scrapbooking and baking. My baking attempts have been going quite smoothly and I truly believe that one can do it if you set your mind on it.

Well I can't wait to see the Fall colors and to enjoy the last bit of warmth before the freezing cold sets in.

Blessings...

Not a day went by without having you in my thoughts. I do miss you so much at times and I'll take kuku and hug. Somehow that feels comforting.

I'm pretty enjoying myself here so you do not need to worry ok? I promised that I will be happy and will definitely live up to that promise. Been busy with watching my korean dramas and doing my knitting. Must finish my projects in time so that I can give them to Jaden when he's born. Been having gatherings with friends too. The days are quiet but I feel at peace.

Khor Gat will be on leave soon and we will be going for some trips. Still in the midst of finalizing the places but it's tough. You know how good I am with planning. Er er doesn't wanna help so I shan't ask further. Talking about her makes me feel disappointed but I shall not go into depths as I wish to only share the happier stuffs with you.

Oh yes, you know I feel really happy for Meemee... I'm really happy at how things are going on for her and Daddy. Daddy is really a changed person and I can tell from Meemee's conversations that she feels more blessed. Though it has taken so much of her patience and time, I'm glad that all that effort is worth it. I believe you will be really touched too. One thing about you being my image is that somehow we feel touched at the same things and feel emotion about the same things. Don't you agree?

Image, I have been naughty gal. I've stopped praying. I definitely didn't forget God but I've just stopped praying. Meemee was telling me to turn myself to God and I felt a tug in my heart. I shall try my best ok... Pray for me.

I love you...

Life Goes On...

It's past 1 week since I got back to the States. It is Summer now. The flowers have bloomed and the mountains are mainly green now. The weather is pretty hot similar to Singapore except for the humidity.

Despite that it's been more than 1 month since you've left, I'm still facing difficulty in accepting this reality. I know how you'd love to enjoy life so as promised, I'll move on and enjoy life as I best know how. You'll always be in my heart and mind.

There was a rodeo held today. I've only read about it in books and watched scenes from movies. It's pretty interesting although sometimes my heart does panic for those cowboys. I love the way they ride so well. It's like being in one with their horses and flying with the wind. I didn't stay long enough to finish the whole rodeo event so not really sure what more activities they had but it was surely an eye opener.

I'm really enjoying my time here and I do feel quite happy. It's gonna be a long weekend next week and I'll be traveling to Las Vegas. It'll be my first road trip so kinda excited.

By the way, help me with handling mummy ok? I feel lost for words sometimes. I know we are all still coping with you being so faraway and I should give it more time but I feel that sometimes it seems that I am treading on thin ice with mummy's emotions. I do wish to talk to her everyday but I'm also helpless with what to talk about. Give me some pointers ok?

I miss you and love you very much.

The Story of Two Very Different Sisters

I received a lovely gift. They will definitely always remind me of you. What I love most was the card. The title of the card is "The story of two very different sisters".

The card goes...

"One is here; one lives there. One is a little taller than the other. They have two different colors of hair; two different outlooks on life, two very different views from their windows.

Both have different tomorrows ahead. Each is unique in so many ways.

Each has her own story, with all the busy things going on in the present. Each has different work to do, and different demands on the day. Each has a separate destination and a distinctly different path to get there. 

But...

For all the things that might be different and unique about them... these two sisters will always share so much. They will always be the best of family and friends, entwined together, through all the days of their lives.

Their love will always be very special; gentle and joyful when it can be, strong and giving when it needs to be, reminding them, no matter how different their stories turn out...

They share the incredibly precious gift of being "sisters." And when you think of some of the best things this world has to offer, a blessing like that is really... what it's all about."

I'm truly blessed to have you in my life and I'm very happy and proud to have you as my sister. There are of course many things that I wished were different but as the card said, we have our different destinations and destiny. I truly thank God for all the blessings he has showered unto me and I want to remember not to take his blessings for granted.

I love you from the depth of my heart and I hope to be able to meet you in the beautiful shore...

Wishing, Hoping & Praying...

Words just can't describe the missing and longing for you... It just seems like yesterday that we were all still together. The family is no longer complete, occasions are no longer the same and even though I've been home, the home seems so quiet and empty. Mummy misses you so so much and I can't imagine how she will be once I've gone back.

There will be moments of reminisce every day. We think back about what we used to do together, we think back about the years of struggles you had, we think back of the places we enjoyed eating together, we think back of the places we went together, we think back of your actions, gestures, remarks, comments. There are days when I walk around the house and thought you'll be home from school soon. I long to hear the way you greet me, I miss our conversations. I Miss You, Carrie. Really miss you.

On Saturday, we met Daddy and Mummy for supper after their church session at Lighthouse. Daddy commented that he is truly seeing God's every blessings now. He had the week he spent with you before your last op was one of the best times ever. Because of my flight, you delayed your op by a week and he truly enjoyed spending that whole week with you. Everything that he mentioned made me wish I had also spent that whole week with you. I wished I had been there for you as you went for your op. I wish I had been around when you were recuperating. I wished I had come back while you were better and I could spend more time with you doing things together. Although I am glad for that 3 weeks, I wished for better days.

I look back at your pictures today and I realized that I missed out on so many things that was going on in your life. I'm sorry I wasn't a better sister. Whatever it is, I will remember my promise to you. I thank God for you. You will always be a part of me and Adrian. You will always be remembered in everything that I do. I will also always be happy as I know that is what you want me to be.

I love you, my silly image. Love you lots and forever...

Sense of Loss

It's been 6 days since you moved to stay in a more beautiful place. Not a day passed without all of us thinking about you.

Today is a pretty special day because for the first time in our lives, I went to church with Daddy & Mummy and you know who else? Ur Ah Gor and Angie. Isn't that special? I know you will find it just as special and sweet. We sang quite a few meaningful and touching hymns today. The hymns spoke to my heart especially this song that is titled "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus".

Ah Gor and I prepared ourselves with some sweets in case we were feeling sleepy during the sermon but we didn't need it. Pastor Jeremy delivered a very touching sermon today. He touched on Acts Chapter 27. The gist of the sermon is that God never promised us a smooth journey even though we may be Christians. God never promised us that life will be a bed of roses. In fact, he said that there will be many trials and tribulations but with faith, God will see us through.

How very true this is. You know, God spoke to me today and touched my heart. In fact, I wanna thank you coz it's through you that I started praying and remembering God again. It is through your strong faith in God that I got inspired.

You know, I see a change in your Ah Gor. He is really excited about this baby and he is even persuading Er Jie and I to also have 1. He said we will not regret and will be just as excited as he is. I think you will also be laughing when you hear him say that. Angie has been coming to our house or meeting us for dinner these few days and it feels weird to see Ah Gor being so attentive and so lovey dovey with Angie. The things he says send shivers down my spine. Hee... I know you are gonna say I'm very bad but it's the truth. Well I must add that it is a consolation he isn't like Daddy so unromantic.

Things are also going pretty well for Daddy & Mummy. I hope they will continue to be better and grow stronger together as the days go by. Hopefully they will have a really special time for their 35th year anniversary this year. I will be gathering all of us to discuss what special plans we can do for both of them. Don't forget to give me some ideas too!!!

Oh image, I forgot to tell you that I spotted some new Kukumalu items. I bought myself 2 pencils (different colors) and a retractable eraser with refills. Will be thinking of you each time I use them.

I love you and miss you so much, Image. Don't worry ok, I will keep my letters going with news and stories. Take care and be happy always too. I will and whatever difficulties I encounter, I will remember your Smile song. That's for teaching me this song.

Loving You Always,

Feifei

Cherish The Times...

Since going to the US, my mum told me that my little image misses me alot. Her health hasn't been well of late so I decided to take make a home trip to spend some time with her and to help my mum take care of her.


It has been an emotional week as although it is only been 4 months since I last saw her. Her health had deteriorated quite a bit and it is just really saddening to see her in this state.


We had a few visitors over the past days and one of them gave a suggestion that we write down all the memories we have of her; compile into a book and we can seek solace in times of need.


I decided to start this with the rest of my siblings and hope they will be have the same mind as me.


For myself, I've always taken the family for granted especially after stepping into the working society. It was a time of ME, MYSELF and I. I missed out on so many things until 6 years ago. It was then that I realized my family and family ties are the most important thing in the world. No matter what you do, you can always return home just like the prodigal son and parents will just welcome that prodigal son home with open arms and without any qualms. I was once that prodigal son.


Although it's been 7 years, I realized that these 6 years still aren't enough time for me to make whatever amends I need to make. These 6 years aren't enough to make up for the lost time with my family. Some may say that there are still many more years to make amends but time and tide indeed waits for no man. Life is so unpredictable so my current thoughts are to treasure and cherish each moment with the people you care about; not just with words but with action. Not just with money but with sincerity and genuine love.

Saving Money For My Dreams...

Just over the weekend, I was talking to Adrian about interests and photography came into the subject.

Well I've always been interested in photography and even more so now since I'm in a country with so many rich colors, culture and nature. Adrian was pretty supportive about the idea but that is also before the finances came in.

So on Monday, I started researching for my options and found 2 photography websites that has classes in the different aspects of photography and more importantly, they organize photo excursions either in the state itself or to other states. Maybe I shall be having some photography kakis here after all. Of course, there is the hesitation of blending in with the other caucasians but I'm here to be amongst them and to absorb whatever that comes. I read in a friend's tagline that 1st step of success: Step out of your comfort zone! So YEP, I'm going to do that.

With Adrian agreeing on the finances part, the first step for me will be going for 2 classes which will be in March. 1 class will be sort of an overlap of what I've learnt but well it's no harm learning from another photographer's perspective. It will also be a good chance for me to assess whether it will be worthwhile for me to continue learning with them. The other more interesting thing is they also organize photo excursions at a more reasonable rate as compared to the other website that I found. And mainly traveling around Idaho itself which is what I would also prefer as well.

So here's to me needing to save more money and me being able to pursue my interest in a more in-depth manner and me being able to travel around as what I've been dreaming of.

Precious Moment figurines will be my 2nd priority. Will be checking out the workshop place this weekend with Adrian. Hopefully it'll all turn out well.

Times Flies...

Time does fly regardless of where you are.

It has been an eventful week with Chinese New Year over in Singapore and President Day here in US. We had a long weekend which also coincides with the CNY holidays in Singapore.

My day started on Friday. There was an CNY event to celebrate CNY and also to exchange cultures with the Americans. To me, the dinner was a boring affair but it was a good gathering with friends whom we don't get to see everyday.

For Saturday, we ended up going to Twin Falls and all the way up to Carson City, Neveda. So much for all the many different plans that were talked about like going to Utah, Portland, skiing, etc.

It was a rather scenic experience since being here and I did enjoy myself although I must say, we could have foregone the trip to Carson City. Well at least I managed to buy a magnet that represented the city for my mother in law who collects magnets.

Sunday which is also Valentine's Day, was spent having dinner at our place with a group of close pals and we had our typical CNY-styled dinner, which is steamboat followed by a playstation session for the guys and a short mahjong session at another friend's place.

I feel that it is gatherings like these which draw us closer especially the wives since we only know each other when we took the flight together to US.

Monday was spent with Adrian and I going to Bruneau Sand Dunes Park in the early afternoon. I won't say that it was an exciting place to go when I saw that they were just typical sand dunes. But it was beautiful view when I climbed up to almost the top of one of the dunes. I think that's where the enjoyment is. Making the effort to climb and you get rewarded by the beautiful scenery. Of course if we had some equipment or during summer, we could also be tobogganing down those dunes.

At the end of it, I found myself enjoying the afternoon and also the time spent with Adrian. I thought it was pretty surprisingly romantic when he climbed up the dunes and wrote Jeannie love AC. It was a rare sight for me as I had never really seen him doing anything remotely romantic so far.

The evening of Monday ended with dinner at another friend's day followed by 2 games of Guesstures. It was really funny to see the other side of them and I thought they were pretty supporting and accommodating to the gals' request of playing the game. In short, I believe guys have their sweet side. They just refuse to portray that as they don't want to tarnish their macho images.

My Collection Figurine

One of the excitements for me being here in the US is Precious Moments. Since Precious Moments originated from the US, it will definitely be more convenient and cheaper for me to get the figurines while I'm here. Of course I also hope to be able to visit Precious Moment Land in Missouri.

E-bay which is one of the 2nd market to purchase figurines is one of the top visited website in my list instead of the other online shopping sites. There are sellers who are offering retired and suspended collections which are no longer available in the stores. I currently have about 60 figurines that I've collected in Singapore and as I started collecting late, most of the figurines that I loved previously were no longer  in retail stores.

The first figurine that I've bought from E-bay is a retired collection. Basically there are many precious moments figurines and it will be endless to collect them. So I've decided on the categories of figurines to collect and try to stick as close to this categories as possible.

The categories are:

1) Member kits

2) Limited Edition Figurines (mainly couples ones)

2) Couple series which I feel is meaningful and close to my heart

3) Series with dogs that is close to my heart

4) Chapel series which I feel is meaningful and close to my heart

Having said all that, I received the figurine that I had bought online today. It was actually delivered on last Saturday but I was not at home. So scheduled a redelivery and it arrived today.

My 1st figurine from US.:

"My Collection"

2000 Members' Only Figurine

Walking On Sunshine

I have been feeling pretty depressed for goodness knows how many days and last night, I managed to get enlightenment from a pretty good friend. Well I must say, there'll always be a soft spot for him as I'm really blessed to have him cross my path.

Anyway I woke up today really feeling up in the clouds. The weight in my heart was lifted and I know I can face my days happier and also be a better company to my sweet hubby. He was pretty bewildered with my bad mood and sudden change of temperaments but continued being sweet and loving towards me.

I think it's also because of my mood, things went on pretty smooth going for me too. I passed my driving test and have gotten the state license. I had a chat with this new found friend on facebook. We chatted for quite a bit and it was Precious Moments that led us together. She is selling some collection which have been suspended and retired. My my, there are SO many and they are tempting the hearts of my me. But that also spurred me to check them online since I'm in the States and shipping is convenient and cheap and needless to say the prices as well.

I was successful in my bid for a small precious moment dog figurine which is no longer in stores. Hopefully I didn't pay too high a price for it. I shall not reveal the price till I receive the item. I also saw some figurines that I've been searching for (ok I'm not those super crazy fan who will go all grounds to get them), and hopefully I can own them if the price is right.

Ok that's it for today... I'm really walking on sunshine today =)

Say Goodbye

"Did you ever love me?
Does it even matter?
Did you even notice the whole world shatter?
I just want to hold you ‘til you know I’m sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye"


I was listening to this song when I realized the lyrics were exactly my sentiments.


I wonder if he ever loved me. I wonder if it ever mattered to him and if he noticed that my whole world was shattered then. I just wanted to hold him till he knew I was sorry... sorry for everything I did and everything I failed to do. But I just kept it all inside thinking that this way it wouldn't hurt so much when we said goodbye...


In actual fact, it had hurt like hell and only I knew it. It still hurts now and I'm still alone in it.

Just wanna be HAPPY

Happyness is really something that has to be constantly pursued. There are things that gives you happiness for short moments and there are things that gives you such happiness that you feel contentment and peace at heart.


What I want is the later; the happyness that gives me contentment and peace at heart.


I was very hurt in a past relationship and it's the past that has been haunting me especially last night. 


Over these years, as we have mutual friends, each time I hear news of him, I got really upset. And yesterday I saw pictures of his family by accident and how he looks really happy with her, I got even more upset. I have supposedly moved on with my life now but why do I still feel that hurt as if it was yesterday? Does it mean that I've not actually gotten over it and moved on?


Would I feel happier if I know he was in the dumps? Perhaps I would coz at least I know he got his desserts. At least I would feel that justice prevailed for the hurt he brought me.


Since that incident, I told myself that I will not be hurt anymore by anybody. I made sure I do not show my vulnerabilities. I forced myself to be strong and developed an independent personality. I'm now wondering if these will eventually take a toll on my marriage. I'm wondering if I've set a high expectation for my hubby.


There's a saying that "Time heals all wounds".


It's been more than 6 years now. Will there be a day when I will not feel hurt anymore each time I hear news of him or see his photos? Will there be a day when I will truly be happy and have contentment with my life and enjoy each day that I've spent with my hubby?

The Ugly Truth

I was watching Ugly Truth on DVD over the long weekend and I can't help but realize what truth there is, in this phrase.

Face it! The truth is always ugly. Why it is not is because your mind is subconsciously telling you to delude yourself and avoid seeing the truth to that degree. I'm glad Abby (the character in the movie) woke up at the end and decided to be true to herself.

The ugly truths that are currently in my life are:

1) Marriage will always be something that you have to work on and it definitely requires two parties to work it through together. There is no fairy tale, no constant attraction and definitely no everlasting love in marriage.

Having started reading storybooks since young, I never thought to have a handsome prince to sweep me off my feet but I had thought to myself that my heart will flutter when I meet THE ONE and our first kiss will be so romantic that my legs will curl up and I'd feel like I'm floating to the clouds.

Now even as I'm older, I still can't help but feel touched when there is a happy ending to the novels I read. I still can't help but get teary eyed at the sweet moments mentioned and I still can't help but feel a longing to have the love that the characters have in the book.

The truth is the touching moments have to be created, the love needs to be nurtured between two persons to fill up that longing void.

2) Forgive and Forget is a phrase we hear quite often. But are we truly able to abide by it?
For me, sure I'd forgive but I can never forget especially when it is something that has been really hurting. So if one can't forget, does it mean you haven't really forgiven?

The truth is although we have to forgive and forget no matter how impossible things are as you and the other party can only move on then.

3) There are many times where we have to put on a mask to hide our true emotions from others but at times it's even to the extent of hiding from ourselves. You can say that it is worth it when you see a happy smile on the other person's face. However, what does one hope to achieve or see if we were hiding from ourselves?

Anyway, what is the definition of truth?

The truth is the quality of state of being true.

So no matter how ugly the truth is,  we need to face it in order to move on and to become a better person.

Trusting God

I was just reading a book that was given to me with 366 Devotions and I felt that the thoughts that was mentioned on this particular day was exceptionally meaning and thought to share.


The Bible says to "lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes." (Proverbs 3:5-7)


God wants to hear us say, "Lord, I don't know how You're going to do this. I don't care how You do it. I know it's going to be right. I trust all my circumstances to You. My times are in Your Hands. Trusting You is my first priority in life."


Many a times especially when a bad situation comes, our natural reaction would be to ask God why and also to blame God for letting this happen. We do not think that God has plans for each of us and if such is the plan, he would be directing and leading us to work it through.


I have at many instances doubted God and questioned Him when faced with difficult situations. However, when each situation happened, I've also seen how He had led me through, guided me and comforted me in those times that I now just put my faith and trust in Him to lead us through the dark days.


I hope this verse can be a constant reminder to just trust God and let Him do His Work.

2nd Day In A Foreign Land

At this time as I’m writing my blog, it’s actually 2am on the 3rd day that I arrived this foreign land.


People commented that NW / DL is the lousiest carrier going to the States but I didn’t feel any difference as compared to the other flights I’ve sat on like Cathay, Qantas, Garuda, etc. The flight was smooth sailing except for occasional moments of turbulence which I think it’s really normal.

Our first league was from SIN - Tokyo. It was a 7 hour + flight and I slept through the whole flight like a baby. I only woke up on occasions to eat and I went on back to sleep. Same goes for my 2nd league from Tokyo - Portland. I spent another 9 hours + flight sleeping and waking up just to eat snacks or dinner. The meals served on both flights were pretty nice I must say. I think I’ve eaten worse flight meals.

The last league from Portland - Boise was slightly more choppy as it was just a propellor plane. Again for that 1 hour + flight I was sleeping through. Adrian wonders if the air sick tablet that I had taken before my first flight was this powerful that is causing me to sleep almost the entire 18 hour flight excluding the transit timings. I absolutely have no idea :)

Portland wasn’t as cold as I anticipated but my gosh, it was really cold when I stepped into Boise. There was a football team coming back at the time when I arrive Boise airport so there were some videographers and reporters. For a minute I was wondering if they were welcoming us :P

There was a small issue when I arrived Boise. One of my luggage didn’t travel with me and I had to do a claim at the Baggage Service. It was a good thing that I had packed winter clothes in both my luggages although I was missing my skincare and moisturizer.

Ok that’s all for now... till later.

What It Takes For Beautiful Teeth

I must say, a lot of effort is indeed required to maintain a good beautiful set of teeth. It’s no wonder people pay so much to visit their dentist especially those celebrities. And of course, if you have excess cash to spend every month, you can pay a visit to your dentist more regularly.

I also finally understood the work needed to maintain my teeth and it certainly didn’t end after removal of my braces. I wore my braces for 2+ years. Took the top off for about 4 months for my photo shoot and wedding. And although my teeth is not completely ready for the braces removal, I had to get them removed since I was going off to the States. I would say my teeth are 98% complete but that’s where more hard work is required just when I thought I could relax.

I took my retainers this afternoon and although I’m amazed at the gadgets available just to maintain the straightness of the teeth, I can’t help but also sigh at the effort I have to continually put in by wearing the retainers constantly and also cleaning them. The retainers aren’t that difficult to wear but they are a little uncomfortable though to the plasticky area which rests at the top and bottom of the mouth.

Also I would have to wash the retainers daily; not just with water but brushing them with toothpaste as I would for my teeth. Right before I was leaving the dental clinic, I was informed that the patient before me had some infection as he didn’t clean his retainers thoroughly and the retainers got moldy and infected his mouth.

My my... that sounded scary. I guess I should also be thanking my lucky stars that I would be working from home as otherwise that means having to wake up 1/2 hour earlier so that I can do the necessary before going to work.

No wonder there’s this saying in Mandarin, “There are no ugly women in the world, just lazy women”.

1st Day of Year 2010

Thought I’ll start my first entry on the start of the new year.

2009 indeed flew by in a blink of an eye. I thought of a few things today; my departure to the States, Carolyn, my family, things I’m gonna miss.

It’s always easy to just take things for granted especially family as they are always close by and even if they may live a distance away, it is at most an hour drive to reach them.

We went to Winnie’s house after lunch. And although we were playing our own games on the pc, it led me to reminisce our younger years when we studied together, read together, slept together and basically lived in the same flat together. Winnie and I have our own families now so even though there are occasional opportunities of staying together, the feel is no longer the same. It got me thinking to how much I’ve missed having been away from them.

We had our early reunion dinner today. I think I’ve enjoyed our cousin gatherings for 2009 and through those gatherings, we have become closer. There are also more things to talk about now than before. Seeing them again today made me feel that yes, we are family. I’m gonna miss those gatherings and food sessions.

Auntie Fong gave me a gift for my departure. It is a book titled New Day New You and is a book that will help me gain wisdom and inspiration from God’s words. I will definitely read it everyday. This is also 1 of my resolutions for the new year. There’s no better time to receive this book. Really appreciative of it.

Ok, I shall sign off now. Juggling between my Cafe World, Famville and packing. Gonna be busy for  the remaining hours of the night :P