New Year's Eve

I feel that my blog has been kinda depressing lately but that's my reality of life. I bear another sad news today.

For those in Singapore, people are celebrating New Year's Eve... many partying and counting down to the beginning of the New Year, being hopeful of what the New Year will bring.

However at my end, a family is grieving for the loss of their mother/wife. Hubs' colleague and his family met with an accident just hours ago on their way back from Boise. I don't think they knew it would be their last day together; whatever that was done during the entire day. Hub knew about the accident through the night news and he was shocked. I didn't know his colleague in person but I felt it aftermath.

Their car lost control and rolled over on the highway. The wife who was driving, died leaving behind 4 children and her husband. This is definitely not the way to bid farewell to 2011.

This accident actually led me to recall hubs' close encounter with death as well in February. I had just reached Singapore and my mum received a call from hubs who informed her that he had met with an accident. Michelle told me much later hubs rolled over few times and his car was in bad shape. But hubs was really fortunate to be just badly scratched on his hand and a dislocated shoulder.

I had remained troubled and sad since my last post. I stopped praying, I avoided thinking about God even though there were moments when I subconsciously hummed hymns. I refused to turn to anything spiritual. With the turmoils going on in my heart, I avoided calling my mum because I didn't want my emotions to affect her especially her faith in God. I didn't know what to say to comfort and encourage my mum. Mum said to just pray for her but I couldn't. As hard as I tried to stay away from God, I just couldn't as well. I received a package just today from my family and in the package was a 2012 calendar. The calendar turned out to be from a church and each month revealed a short message from the bible and an inspirational verse. What irony!

Anyway as I recall about hubs' accident, I had an epiphany. I realized God never left me at all. As I mentioned in my last post about the inspirational quote I read, "God guided us, despite our uncertainties and our vagueness, even though our failings and mistakes... He leads us step by step, from event to event. Only afterwards, as we look back over the way we have come and reconsider certain important moments in our lives in the light of all that has followed them... do we experience the feeling of having been led without knowing it, the feeling that God has mysteriously guided us."

He had not only guided us but He watches over us every single day. Things happen for reasons that we do not understand but He will lead us through in accordance to His plan for us. I literally feel a load off my heart and I know one of my resolutions will be to be more diligent in my prayers and give time to learn more about God.

I just want to close with the inspiration verse for January 2012... "Out of darkness, the light shall shine! 2 Corinthians 4:6"

How fitting isn't it... God answered my heartfelt question just like that.

Feeling Troubled...

I've been feeling down and burdened theses few days. I have an inspirational quotes or words of encouragement booklet that gives meaningful quotes or verses daily and sometimes I do forget to read them. I was flipping to December 11th and lo & behold, it was what I needed to read. Coincidentally, the quotes for the subsequent days were also what I needed.

December 11 says "God guided us, despite our uncertainties and our vagueness, even though our failings and mistakes... He leads us step by step, from event to event. Only afterwards, as we look back over the way we have come and reconsider certain important moments in our lives in the light of all that has followed them... do we experience the feeling of having been led without knowing it, the feeling that God has mysteriously guided us."

December 12 says "God's care for us is more watchful and more tender than the care of any human father could possibly be."

December 13 says "I call on You, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of Your great love... Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings."

Ever since my sister got sick, I found myself turning to God more often and on a regular basis since leaving church. I believed that God has his plans and purpose and he will see all of us through. I did literally see how he guided us through 6 years and I saw his goodness and mercies. Despite the difficulties we were all facing, I had faith and I believed that everything has its purpose. Same goes for the recent incident with my father.

However, just when you think all is calm after a storm (I should say after a number of storms), another storm is brewing... I get it that it's good to have trials as they keep us on our toes and help us keep our priorities straight but aren't the storms for us too many and happening too quickly?

I'm just so burdened with having to sail through these storms. I neither wish to question God nor do I want to doubt him but I'm struggling...

Despite all these, I'm just so grateful for Dearie. He's may not be the romantic guy I had hoped to have and he has 1 bad habit which I hate but he's every bit the man I had hoped to be married to. Today marks our 3rd anniversary. It's a good thing he has been away for work as I would have been a total mood spoiler.  Our marriage may be young but we've been through so much together as a couple that these 3 years felt like 10 years. I just hope that I have been every bit the woman he had hoped to be married to and I'll be sure to ask him about it when he returns home. As much I can, I try to reflect on my actions as I want to move on to be a better person.

Anyway I hope to find peace and enlightenment and be my happy self again. I do realize that a person's mood affects others and I definitely want to give the positive vibe to all around me.

What We Believe In...

I'll say it again that it takes someone who's lost a loved one to really understand the emotions you go through. Yes you move on but the sadness of losing that person will never heal, it will never go away...

She would have been 22 years old today. For her, she wasn't given this opportunity whilst I can't even remember what I was doing at the age of 22. Oh I know... I was wasting those years partying, lying to my parents about my late nights and not being home, being busy about me, myself, my own life. She would have lived a life so differently from mine if she was given the chance. I was living my life aimlessly at 22 and she already knew what she wanted before 22.

She told us that she's an angel that had come to earth on a mission. That mission has been accomplished and it's time for her to go home to God. I'm not sure what the mission is but I sure know her departure has left an incredibly deep impression in my heart.

I hope I can and am living my life better right now than I had the years before because I'm not just living for myself but on her behalf too.

I've had this Home cd by Jim Brickman for awhile but I didn't remember this song until I played this cd recently and the lyrics of this song "What We Believe In" just speaks of my sentiment.

"Funny just the other day I was walking down the street

Stopped into that place you know, one where we used to meet

Thought I heard you call my name

And I whispered on the wind

And I remember you were going

Never coming back again

But if love is what we believe in

I'll see you in heaven's first bright star

If seeing is believing

I look into the skies and there you are

You're not that far

Cause love is what we believe in

Looking through some photographs

From not so long ago

Right now I'd give anything

If I had only known

That I would never touch you, hold you or kiss your face

Feel your arms around or fall in your embrace"

If only I had known, I would definitely live my life differently. On hindsight, I do know now.