Melancholy Lurks...

Well all is going pretty well with Dearie after last week's episode. It's definitely a load off the heart once the air was cleared. Through this, I've also realized a few things and one is the understanding between friends especially if they are true friends. It makes me treasure our times even more and wanna work things out to be closer friends.

I was browsing through my photo collection for pictures to be used on my scrapbook tray. The tray will be a gift for my parent's wedding anniversary. As I browsed through, I was also electronically sorting them out and chanced upon some pictures which had been lying in there, forgotten. Seeing them made me miss my family and more so, my little image. Tears naturally fell even without me realizing it. I don't think there will ever be a day where I'll no longer cry when I look at those pictures. I miss her so much.

Jaden had his first month celebration over the weekend and it's been a while since I saw genuine smiles on daddy & mummy's faces. Maybe Jaden's indeed God's gift to them. Sometimes I do feel a tug to have my own child especially since coming here. I've gotten so attached to Isaac. Seeing him grow each week for the past 10 months have been really special. I see the wonders of God's creation but at the same time, I see lots & lots of obligations and responsibilities. Sometimes I do feel bad for disappointing my parents on a grandchild although I know they would understand and support our decision. Anyway I'll just leave it to God's plan for me.

Freedom Of Speech

As much as the phrase "freedom of speech" goes, I realized that there isn't much freedom in what one can actually speak. Even though what you have said or are trying to say is an act of defense towards an action done or to be done.

I dislike or I should say hate being maligned especially since I had clear intentions. What upset me more was the person who maligned me. Without given any chance of explanation, without even knowing the details, wham... I was just whacked on the head. Well in many countries especially in the US, one is deemed innocent until proven guilty. But in my case, the verdict was decided and the defendant is guilty! As indignant as I felt, I saw no point in explaining myself further.

I guess regardless of whatever century you may be living in, one should always be EXTRA careful with what you're speaking about, whom you're speaking to and when to speak.

Moments of Solitude

Each time when I have a quiet minute to myself, I end up realizing how time has quickly ticked by. And although there are 30 seconds in a minute, the seconds just fly by like the speed of light.

It's just exactly 3 months to December and what have I achieved and failed this year? I think there are more failures than achievements but one should still not overlook that achievement be it small or great.

Dearie will be due for this assignment in Arizona soon. It will be 3 weeks of solitude. I guess I shouldn't have to really adjust much since I'm used to enjoying the quiet times especially during the day. The feeling will set in during meal times, bed times and weekends. Haven't been away from him for quite some time so hopefully I haven't lost my independence.

Actually, with every quiet moment I have to myself, I also can't help but think of you. I wonder if I am still going through a grieving stage. No matter how busy my day gets, how much laughter I had, when that quiet moment comes, I always find myself thinking of you. I miss everything about you; from the way you talk and greet me, the cheekiness in you, the every thoughtful and loving action you perform, the small and simple things that make you happy, the contentment in the things you have... There are just so many things about you that I miss. I don't think I've ever felt this empty during these quiet moments.

I hope there'll be the day where I won't be empty anymore in these quiet moments and I'll be sure to let you know.

Little Gift

Our little gift, Jaden has finally decided to come into this world. He came on a date that will be difficult to forget; which is the day after Daddy & Mummy's wedding anniversary. What a coincidence.

Saw quite a few pictures of Jaden loaded on Facebook. I guess these are the moments that you feel alone and away from the family. Jaden looks so cute and chubby. I believe he's gonna be a bundle of joy. I pray that he will be a healthy and happy baby showered with lots of love.

I believe you will be happy being a gugu. I think you would have loved him a lot and probably spoil him by playing with him all the time and carrying him. I wished you could have been here too. Although we have this bundle of joy into the family, he will never be you and will never be able to replace you in our hearts.

Sometimes when I look at a baby, there are little pangs of wants too but those pangs just can't override the other feelings I have of wanting a baby. I think there are just too many stuffs at stake besides money. In any case, I always believe in things happening for a reason and things are already planned by God. I shall take it in stride whatever comes.

Jaden will be 2 years old before he will get to know this da gu. It does feel sad to be missing out on his baby days although I'm sure there will be pictures. It got me to think about Melissa's parents and how they are also feeling about missing out on the growing up of their grandson. Although it seemed to be a hassle to skype almost everyday, those 30 minutes are the only consolation her parents have as grandparents spending time with their grandson. These 30 minutes are the only reason her parents wouldn't become strangers to Isaac when they meet in person in 2 years' time. Guess I have to rethink those 30 minutes and remember not to be complacent and take things for granted.

Time For Meditation

It's time to start meditating especially after the 2 trips that I went on. Was happy to be able to travel with Dearie especially since we've never traveled on our own before. I must say, I did see a different side of him coz he's usually really stringent with money and shopping is definitely one of the NO NOs for him unless necessary. I guess going on trips make it different and I must say, he did not restrict me in anything that I wanted to buy. I'm glad to be able to know that and it makes me weigh the needs versus the wants before I actually get my hands on it.

Fall will be starting next week. The weather is starting to get colder. As I begin my meditation, I gett to concentrate on my favorite hobbies like reading, knitting, scrapbooking and baking. My baking attempts have been going quite smoothly and I truly believe that one can do it if you set your mind on it.

Well I can't wait to see the Fall colors and to enjoy the last bit of warmth before the freezing cold sets in.

Blessings...

Not a day went by without having you in my thoughts. I do miss you so much at times and I'll take kuku and hug. Somehow that feels comforting.

I'm pretty enjoying myself here so you do not need to worry ok? I promised that I will be happy and will definitely live up to that promise. Been busy with watching my korean dramas and doing my knitting. Must finish my projects in time so that I can give them to Jaden when he's born. Been having gatherings with friends too. The days are quiet but I feel at peace.

Khor Gat will be on leave soon and we will be going for some trips. Still in the midst of finalizing the places but it's tough. You know how good I am with planning. Er er doesn't wanna help so I shan't ask further. Talking about her makes me feel disappointed but I shall not go into depths as I wish to only share the happier stuffs with you.

Oh yes, you know I feel really happy for Meemee... I'm really happy at how things are going on for her and Daddy. Daddy is really a changed person and I can tell from Meemee's conversations that she feels more blessed. Though it has taken so much of her patience and time, I'm glad that all that effort is worth it. I believe you will be really touched too. One thing about you being my image is that somehow we feel touched at the same things and feel emotion about the same things. Don't you agree?

Image, I have been naughty gal. I've stopped praying. I definitely didn't forget God but I've just stopped praying. Meemee was telling me to turn myself to God and I felt a tug in my heart. I shall try my best ok... Pray for me.

I love you...

Life Goes On...

It's past 1 week since I got back to the States. It is Summer now. The flowers have bloomed and the mountains are mainly green now. The weather is pretty hot similar to Singapore except for the humidity.

Despite that it's been more than 1 month since you've left, I'm still facing difficulty in accepting this reality. I know how you'd love to enjoy life so as promised, I'll move on and enjoy life as I best know how. You'll always be in my heart and mind.

There was a rodeo held today. I've only read about it in books and watched scenes from movies. It's pretty interesting although sometimes my heart does panic for those cowboys. I love the way they ride so well. It's like being in one with their horses and flying with the wind. I didn't stay long enough to finish the whole rodeo event so not really sure what more activities they had but it was surely an eye opener.

I'm really enjoying my time here and I do feel quite happy. It's gonna be a long weekend next week and I'll be traveling to Las Vegas. It'll be my first road trip so kinda excited.

By the way, help me with handling mummy ok? I feel lost for words sometimes. I know we are all still coping with you being so faraway and I should give it more time but I feel that sometimes it seems that I am treading on thin ice with mummy's emotions. I do wish to talk to her everyday but I'm also helpless with what to talk about. Give me some pointers ok?

I miss you and love you very much.