New Year's Eve

I feel that my blog has been kinda depressing lately but that's my reality of life. I bear another sad news today.

For those in Singapore, people are celebrating New Year's Eve... many partying and counting down to the beginning of the New Year, being hopeful of what the New Year will bring.

However at my end, a family is grieving for the loss of their mother/wife. Hubs' colleague and his family met with an accident just hours ago on their way back from Boise. I don't think they knew it would be their last day together; whatever that was done during the entire day. Hub knew about the accident through the night news and he was shocked. I didn't know his colleague in person but I felt it aftermath.

Their car lost control and rolled over on the highway. The wife who was driving, died leaving behind 4 children and her husband. This is definitely not the way to bid farewell to 2011.

This accident actually led me to recall hubs' close encounter with death as well in February. I had just reached Singapore and my mum received a call from hubs who informed her that he had met with an accident. Michelle told me much later hubs rolled over few times and his car was in bad shape. But hubs was really fortunate to be just badly scratched on his hand and a dislocated shoulder.

I had remained troubled and sad since my last post. I stopped praying, I avoided thinking about God even though there were moments when I subconsciously hummed hymns. I refused to turn to anything spiritual. With the turmoils going on in my heart, I avoided calling my mum because I didn't want my emotions to affect her especially her faith in God. I didn't know what to say to comfort and encourage my mum. Mum said to just pray for her but I couldn't. As hard as I tried to stay away from God, I just couldn't as well. I received a package just today from my family and in the package was a 2012 calendar. The calendar turned out to be from a church and each month revealed a short message from the bible and an inspirational verse. What irony!

Anyway as I recall about hubs' accident, I had an epiphany. I realized God never left me at all. As I mentioned in my last post about the inspirational quote I read, "God guided us, despite our uncertainties and our vagueness, even though our failings and mistakes... He leads us step by step, from event to event. Only afterwards, as we look back over the way we have come and reconsider certain important moments in our lives in the light of all that has followed them... do we experience the feeling of having been led without knowing it, the feeling that God has mysteriously guided us."

He had not only guided us but He watches over us every single day. Things happen for reasons that we do not understand but He will lead us through in accordance to His plan for us. I literally feel a load off my heart and I know one of my resolutions will be to be more diligent in my prayers and give time to learn more about God.

I just want to close with the inspiration verse for January 2012... "Out of darkness, the light shall shine! 2 Corinthians 4:6"

How fitting isn't it... God answered my heartfelt question just like that.

Feeling Troubled...

I've been feeling down and burdened theses few days. I have an inspirational quotes or words of encouragement booklet that gives meaningful quotes or verses daily and sometimes I do forget to read them. I was flipping to December 11th and lo & behold, it was what I needed to read. Coincidentally, the quotes for the subsequent days were also what I needed.

December 11 says "God guided us, despite our uncertainties and our vagueness, even though our failings and mistakes... He leads us step by step, from event to event. Only afterwards, as we look back over the way we have come and reconsider certain important moments in our lives in the light of all that has followed them... do we experience the feeling of having been led without knowing it, the feeling that God has mysteriously guided us."

December 12 says "God's care for us is more watchful and more tender than the care of any human father could possibly be."

December 13 says "I call on You, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of Your great love... Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings."

Ever since my sister got sick, I found myself turning to God more often and on a regular basis since leaving church. I believed that God has his plans and purpose and he will see all of us through. I did literally see how he guided us through 6 years and I saw his goodness and mercies. Despite the difficulties we were all facing, I had faith and I believed that everything has its purpose. Same goes for the recent incident with my father.

However, just when you think all is calm after a storm (I should say after a number of storms), another storm is brewing... I get it that it's good to have trials as they keep us on our toes and help us keep our priorities straight but aren't the storms for us too many and happening too quickly?

I'm just so burdened with having to sail through these storms. I neither wish to question God nor do I want to doubt him but I'm struggling...

Despite all these, I'm just so grateful for Dearie. He's may not be the romantic guy I had hoped to have and he has 1 bad habit which I hate but he's every bit the man I had hoped to be married to. Today marks our 3rd anniversary. It's a good thing he has been away for work as I would have been a total mood spoiler.  Our marriage may be young but we've been through so much together as a couple that these 3 years felt like 10 years. I just hope that I have been every bit the woman he had hoped to be married to and I'll be sure to ask him about it when he returns home. As much I can, I try to reflect on my actions as I want to move on to be a better person.

Anyway I hope to find peace and enlightenment and be my happy self again. I do realize that a person's mood affects others and I definitely want to give the positive vibe to all around me.

What We Believe In...

I'll say it again that it takes someone who's lost a loved one to really understand the emotions you go through. Yes you move on but the sadness of losing that person will never heal, it will never go away...

She would have been 22 years old today. For her, she wasn't given this opportunity whilst I can't even remember what I was doing at the age of 22. Oh I know... I was wasting those years partying, lying to my parents about my late nights and not being home, being busy about me, myself, my own life. She would have lived a life so differently from mine if she was given the chance. I was living my life aimlessly at 22 and she already knew what she wanted before 22.

She told us that she's an angel that had come to earth on a mission. That mission has been accomplished and it's time for her to go home to God. I'm not sure what the mission is but I sure know her departure has left an incredibly deep impression in my heart.

I hope I can and am living my life better right now than I had the years before because I'm not just living for myself but on her behalf too.

I've had this Home cd by Jim Brickman for awhile but I didn't remember this song until I played this cd recently and the lyrics of this song "What We Believe In" just speaks of my sentiment.

"Funny just the other day I was walking down the street

Stopped into that place you know, one where we used to meet

Thought I heard you call my name

And I whispered on the wind

And I remember you were going

Never coming back again

But if love is what we believe in

I'll see you in heaven's first bright star

If seeing is believing

I look into the skies and there you are

You're not that far

Cause love is what we believe in

Looking through some photographs

From not so long ago

Right now I'd give anything

If I had only known

That I would never touch you, hold you or kiss your face

Feel your arms around or fall in your embrace"

If only I had known, I would definitely live my life differently. On hindsight, I do know now.

Life Is But A Fleeting Moment

I find that it is scary to know how unpredictable life can  be. That makes me want to treasure and cherish every minute of my life, makes me appreciate the things around me and makes me count every single bit of blessings God has bestowed upon me and my family.

Mum's been updating me that Dad's health hasn't been very good but just a few days ago, he's taken a turn for worse. He was referred to the hospital by our family doctor to have a more detailed check done as he had difficulty breathing and in just a matter of half a day after being admitted into the hospital, his condition worsen and he's currently in ICU. I can just imagine what my family is going through now; seeing him under such a condition. I'm being spared from that as I'm so far away. I do feel kinda relieved at not having to see the actual condition of my dad but I'm also upset that I'm not around to give support to the rest of my family especially mummy. I feel really guilty at being so far away (twice now) when my family needs support.

One thing that I've realized through all these is that I definitely don't want to go by a single day without letting the people around me know how much they mean to me. It's just all so easy to take things and people for granted. It's just so easy to put superficial things on a higher priority. It's just so easy to forget praying and giving thanks to God. I'm certainly guilty of that.

In retrospect, I want to be a better person. Treasure life in the best way we can while we and our loved ones are still alive. In the pursuit of worldly contentment and happiness, many a times I forget, or pretend to forget!

A Moment of Silence

Dearest dearest Mage Mage,


I can't believe that it's 1 year since you left us. Time just flew by didn't it... On the other hand, it seemed just so recent when we said our goodbyes. I still find myself wondering at times if you have really left us.


Anyway daddy sent an email to all of us on his heartfelt feelings. I'm surprised that he wrote pretty well and I felt the very same sentiments.


The message read:


"And it's been a year since you moved to a new address to keep an appointment with our Lord & there is such a hole in our hearts and lives, we feel the lost each moment. Words cannot describe how much we miss you, how dear you are to us.

Your sweetest, selfless love and laughter will always remain a constant memory in our hearts.  We press on for we found comfort in God's words.


From II Tim 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear but a power of love and a sound mind."
 
This help to blunt the edges of pain in our hearts."


Mage, through the goodness and mercy of God, we survived 1 year especially for daddy & mummy. I just pray that we can continue to grow closer as a family and continue to grow closer to God through God's help.


And there is noone but God who knows and understands how dear you are to us. Loving and missing you till we meet on the beautiful land!

Men Vs Women

My last post didn't really end on a happy note. I just wanted an avenue where I could vent out my frustrations and thoughts.

Anyway things are back to normal and I'm my happy self again. This trip, though I wished it could have been happier, was definitely still an experience. I've also learnt more about hubby and his moods. I guess even though we've been together for a while before marriage, there will still be sides that we do not know of each other and it's through time that those sides be shown to each of us. Some just have their emotions out like an open book whilst others will probably show them only at the 'right' time.

One thing I've come to realize is that I am also at fault as I tend to think or expect romance. As much as I hope to have hubby be like Mel Gibson in the movie "What Women Want", hubby will never be that. I have to remember that he's also not the new age sensitive guy who knows just what's on my mind. So it's me who has to convey to him. I guess sometimes I expect too much from hubby and I get really upset when he falls short of my expectation. But are my expectations reasonable to start with and have I romanticize the whole thing?

I'm always thankful to have friends whom I can sort of share my stuffs with. The conversations may not be full of details but you'll still get the enlightenment you need. There are also times when you kinda know where things go wrong but it takes a friend to point it directly for you to admit it.

Whatever it is, I'm still glad for friends, for family and for hubby. I have another trip with hubby coming up. I'm still thinking where to go and I have less than 1 month to plan the trip out. It'll be a road trip this time and another 2 weeks of time alone 24/7 so it's gonna a test of what I've learnt from my last trip.

Somehow I just have a good feeling about it...

My Frustations

Well I do know I don't have a very good temper to start with but sometimes I just feel like I've been driven to my ultimate limit. My stupid hubby definitely knows that and he's the very person driving me insane every time! He's also the very person spoiling my day and my mood.

At such times, I wish we were in Singapore as it's a place where I'm totally familiar with and I know there'll always be places for me to go to when I wish to escape from his very presence and also to totally ignore him and avoid being contactable, etc.

I love traveling. I do sometimes envy couples going for travels together. I see their photos and I can feel their enjoyment. I feel that traveling together also helps to bond the hearts of two persons as we are so caught up with the mundane day-to-day working life and stress that we tend to forget about each other. For me, things work opposite. I always get upset when I travel with my hubby. I don't feel the bond and the enjoyment that much. As much as I really want us to be better together, to enjoy our travels together, we just can't. It goes to such a point where I do doubt the very significance of our marriage.

I want so much more besides things that are measured by money or things that can be bought with money. And I just get disappointed time and again. Am I wrong to have such expectations? Maybe I should change myself and start wanting branded materials. I think I'll get better results with that.

Anyway, I feel so bloody pathetic to be sitting in bed and writing my feelings right now especially since I'm supposedly on vacation. What the hell am I doing in the hotel when I should be exploring the streets and the sights right? I guess I don't have to say further.